Ethi-Q Slutdom

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The Ethi-Q Slutdom, a panoptic polyamory culture group for the Albuquerque-centric Ethical Slut, organizes events such as book and topic discussions, films, and fun social gatherings for the growth, education, and support of the polyamorous (consensual and/or responsible non-monogamy) community. Common topics are communication and honesty in relationships. Meetings held monthly at various locations. To participate, contribute, or connect with other ethical sluts see the website, http://statacumen.com/community/wiki/index.php/Ethi-Q_Slutdom (abbreviated link: tinyurl.com/3x2o6r). Keywords: polyamory, communication, open relationship, loving more, metamor.

There are currently no activity planned through this Ethi-Q page. Please see the newsgroup The Ethical Slutdom to connect with local poly folks.

Click for Next Meeting information.

Erik believes we all have the power to define our relationships in a way that best meets the needs of all involved, that we are only bound by physical limits, such as time, energy, and resources, and there are no limits to love.

(See what Becky thinks Erik looks like.)

Contents

[edit] Outcomes

Attract a community centered around polyamorous relationships (consensual and/or responsible non-monogamy) for growth, education, and support, based in Albuquerque, NM. We are an all-inclusive relationship discussion group welcoming the participation of all (pansexual, pangender, kink-friendly).

Organize regular events to draw community together:

  • Book Discussions
  • Films
  • Fun Social Gatherings
  • Topic Discussions
  • Special Events (for holidays such as Valentine's Day, celebrations honoring members in our community, etc.)

[edit] Not

  • We are not a dating service. This is a safe group to discuss relationships; this is not a place to cruise for partners.
  • We are not a sexuality or sex education group. While the issue of sex is likely to come up, our focus is on fostering close, meaningful relationships with partners.
  • The group facilitators do not claim to be experts and are not instructors. Instead, group discussions are the strategy for everyone to learn and be involved.

[edit] Get Involved

Any information you provide will be used ONLY for notices regarding the Ethi-Q Slutdom, will be stored on my (Erik's) private server, and will never be shared, sold, or used for evil.

[edit] Calendar

Events are open to all, unless otherwise stated.

[edit] Upcoming Ethi-Q Slutdom Events

none at this time

[edit] Future Meetings

[edit] Ideas for Future Meetings

TENTATIVE Special, (Center for Peace and Justice?)
C.T. Butler, the History of Polyamory
there will be a cost to this event to help cover CT's travel expense and use of P&J center.
Poly in Arts (led by Aaron)
Polyamory appears in poetry, passages in novels and short stories, art work, and other artistic contexts. This meeting is an opportunity for everyone to give short presentations (read a poem or passage of a story, show some artwork) where polyamory is as a theme in art. Assuming there will be lots of examples, let's try to keep presentations about 5-7 minutes with short discussion after each.
Book: The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (a pseudonym of Janet Hardy). quotes
Ethical Slut Part II, Between One Another, pp. 117-204.
(on your own, Ethical Slut Parts III and IV, In The World and Having Fun, pp. 205-265.)
Book: Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits : Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships by Deborah M. Anapol amazon
Polyamory Chapters 1-6, pp. 1-78
Polyamory Chapters 7-11, pp. 79-154
Freeform event
Potluck, games, etc.

Topic Discussion possibilities for future meetings

  • Poly Weekly #127: Radical Ideas on Marriage
    • Radical ideas on marriage as a contract to be negotiated--an essay by Nobilis.
  • Tribes
    • It may be easy to conceptualize how a person/couple might join a tribe and another thing to formalize how to safely become blood bonded to a group and "force" a "monogamous" relationship with the tribe.
  • Coming out Poly.
    • How to answer others' question of us: "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife?".
    • Having the Poly-101 talk with a potential new partner whose relationship model is monogamy.
  • Poly formations
    • Triads
      • Being the center of a "V"
      • Being a wing of a "V"
  • Metamours
    • Meeting partner's
    • Introducing yours to partner
  • Are we using Poly families as a replacement for extended families?
  • STIs
  • Common poly situations (look on http://polyweekly.com for listener questions)
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Poly Visibility strategies
  • What if ...? questions. e.g., "How do you feel when I tell you that I find her attractive?"
  • Break into groups for intimate dynamics, come together to summarize main points
  • Outreach night -- panel discussion and question/answers

[edit] Past Ethi-Q Slutdom Events

[edit] Introduction

Oct 11, 2007 (2nd Thursday), RB Winning (111 Harvard SE), 7-9pm (14 attended)
Book: The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (a pseudonym of Janet Hardy). quotes
Ethical Slut Part I, Within Ourselves, pp. 1-116.
Oct 25, 2007 (4th Thursday), RB Winning (111 Harvard SE), 7-9pm (10 attended)
Book: The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (a pseudonym of Janet Hardy). quotes
Ethical Slut Part I, Within Ourselves, pp. 1-116.
Special - Nov 10, 2007 (2nd Saturday), Christina's, gather at 8pm, film at 830pm (10 attended)
Film: Shortbus. Bring pillows and snacks.

[edit] Practical Poly Series

Discussions of common relationship components, especially common in polyamory, to understand the ideas, develop skills, and share empathy.

Nov 15, 2007 (3rd Thursday), RB Winning (111 Harvard SE), 7-9pm (17 attended)
Topic Discussion: Introducing poly and NRE
  1. Introducing others to Polyamory
  2. New Relationship Energy (NRE)
Nov 29, 2007 (5th Thursday), RB Winning (111 Harvard SE), 7-9pm (16 attended)
Topic Discussion: Jealousy and Scarcity versus Abundance
  1. Jealousy part 1/2
Dec 6, 2007 (1st Thursday), RB Winning (111 Harvard SE), 7-9pm (11 attended)
Topic Discussion: Jealousy (part 2), Boundaries and Agreements discussion
  1. Jealousy part 2/2
Special - Dec 14, 2007 (2nd Friday), Erik's house (near Lomas/San Mateo) by invitation (must have attended at least one meeting), 8-11pm (8 attended)
Gather at 8pm, film at 8:30pm.
French Twist Movie night.
No smoking or alcohol, please.
Dec 20, 2007 (3rd Thursday), RB Winning (111 Harvard SE), 7-9pm (10 attended)
  1. Boundaries and Agreements
    • As a poly relationship develops, how can boundaries/agreements help, how do boundaries/agreements evolve, how to handle breaking boundaries/agreements, and other boundary/agreement issues.
    • Ethical Slut Part II, Chapter 1. Boundaries, Chapter 6. Agreements, pp. 117-124, 189-204
  2. Scarcity versus Abundance
Jan 3, 2008 (5 attended)
Fun night. Maybe games.
Jan 17, 2008 (1st Thursday), Flying Star (Nob Hill) (3416 Central SE, 87108), 7-9pm (4 attended)
Ethi-Q planning meeting
Intention to discuss what the group will look like and do this coming year. Erik will not be able to attend the meeting, providing an opportunity for others to assume leadership roles.
Special - Jan 26, 2008 (4th Saturday), (5-8pm in Santa Fe) (22 attended, 5 from Albuquerque)
Joint planning meeting, in solidarity with Santa Fe Poly, a meeting to discuss what we can do in 2008
Meeting is in Santa Fe, 5-6pm potluck, 6-8pm discussion
  • Discuss opportunities to bring our larger community together
    • i.e., CT Butler poly talk
  • How to make our poly groups sustainable.

[edit] Communication Series

Jan 31, 2008 (1st Thursday), Luminaria Room, Upper Floor UNM/SUB, 7-9pm (8 attended)
Book: Being Me, Loving You: A Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg of the The Center for Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication part 1/2
Poly-positive NVC trainer Jacob Gotwals will introduce and lead us practicing NVC-style communication
Jake has offered to provide this workshop on a gift basis, that is, "it will be my gift to the group, and I will make a request for gifts in any amount from the people attending. And I will let them know that a gift of $15 per person per night will support my financial sustainability".
Feb 7, 2008 (3rd Thursday), Acoma B, Upper Floor UNM/SUB, 7-9pm (10 attended)
Book: Being Me, Loving You: A Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg of the The Center for Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication part 2/2
Poly-positive NVC trainer Jacob Gotwals will continue NVC training
Jake has offered to provide this workshop on a gift basis, that is, "it will be my gift to the group, and I will make a request for gifts in any amount from the people attending. A gift will support my financial sustainability".

[edit] Share and Enjoy Series

Special - Feb 14, 2008 Valentine's party at Rob's house (8 attended)
RSVP required

[edit] Topic Discussions

Feb 21, 2008 (3rd Thursday), UNM Centennial Library (CSEL) rm 155 map, 7-9pm (6 attended)
Finding us I have booked us in the UNM Centennial Science & Engineering Library, this library is entirely underground. You can park in the UNM parking lot at the north end of Terrace, then walk west to the library entrance -- a staircase that heads underground. This map will help: parking and library
I CAN live without you, five things you WANT your partner to be able to say to you. "I can live without you; my love for you will change; you’re not everything I need; I will not always hold you close; you and I aren’t one."
Mar 7, 2008 (Friday)
Movie night at Nate's, "Henry and June"
Mar 30, 2008 (Sunday), back at RB Winning (111 Harvard SE), 2-4pm
10 Things to Be Prepared for When Negotiating Polyamory
Using Minx's notes from Polyamory Weekly, we'll discuss more poly skills as they relate to polyamory. In addition to Minx's list, the comment by Atlanta Couple on that page has some interesting ideas.

[edit] Other Non-monogamy Community Events

Please add community events of interest to the polyamory community. These events are not associated with Ethi-Q Slutdom.

[edit] Upcoming Community Events

[edit] Event Ideas

  • Poly Prom
  • Poly Twister
  • Bring a friend to poly day
  • Host a Speed Dating event, separate from Ethi-Q Slutdom.
    • Have you been to an event and are willing to describe how it works or have resources for helping run one?
    • some info I've found [1] [2] [3]
  • Eye Gazing Party
    • (Description from http://www.onetastesf.com/) The eyes are the window of the soul, so it's a lot easier to have a mesmerizing conversation with someone after you've spent some time looking into his or her eyes. That is the simple idea behind Eye Gazing Parties. Eye contact is a wonderful way to spark a captivating connection with an alluring new person.

[edit] Meetings

[edit] Locations

UNM Student Union Building (SUB), 277-5498, subeventATunm.edu

  • event planning and maps
  • below is based on 15-30 people
  • Free for registered clubs, $17/hr for non-registered, 4 hour minimum ($68)
  • 2 Wks advanced scheduling
  • catering only, no outside food

RB Winning (111 Harvard SE)

  • subject to their availability

[edit] Typical Meeting Agenda

2 hours (7:07--9:09pm)

  • (10 min) Introduction of facilitators and topic.
    • Hand out Agenda.
      • Agenda includes topic outline for current meeting, information about upcoming meetings, list of vocabulary, and more.
  • (5 min) Two-sentence self-introduction of participants (pass contact info sheet for mailing list). Name, briefly why here, how feeling.
  • (15 min) Introduction of topic.
    • Introduce unfamiliar language, definitions, concepts.
  • (45 min) Cover points in topic outline.
    • Careful to not have an overly ambitious outline to cover.
    • If self-reflective questions included in outline, allow time for some quiet thinking.
    • Attempt to stay on task and cover all points on outline.
  • (10 min) BREAK
  • (25 min) Further discussion, comments, and sharing.
  • (10 min) Closing.
    • Summarize some significant points of discussion.
    • Advertise next sessions (on Agenda sheet).
    • Solicit ideas for upcoming events.
    • Request a couple volunteers to write discussion-leading questions.
    • Request help organizing meeting room before leaving.
    • Thank you to folks who helped make the meeting more wonderful by bringing food, setting up room, organizing discussion, or helping in some other way.

[edit] Ground Rules for Group Discussion

  • Maintain confidentiality.
  • Participate, but not dominate; Silence is OK.
  • Disagreement OK, not personal attacks.
  • Ask questions as they come up.
  • Respect others' opinions.
  • Don’t interrupt; let others finish speaking before you begin.
  • Turn off cell phones.
  • Facilitator will enforce these rules.

[edit] Facilitators

  • Circle for maximum eye contact, interaction, sharing among participants.
  • If the group is quiet, begin with a sample response to the question but your position is primarily to facilitate discussion, not be the "expert with the answers."
  • Maintain a non-judgmental approach to participants and their viewpoints.
  • Keep the group on task and try to solicit input from less vocal members (if some people just do not want to talk, that is OK).
    • quiet participants: start with more general questions first and funnel down to specifics as the session progresses.
  • Be vigilant of certain individuals who may attempt to dominate the discussion, limit their time.
    • Provide everyone a set of tokens they could "spend" to comment.
  • Watch for nonverbal behaviors.
  • Focus on facilitating the session, not on leading it or the results obtained.
  • Allow short tangents but attend to an outline of discussion points.

[edit] Strategies

  • Erik and Becky to facilitate meetings, at least early on
  • "Feelings Jar"
    • Pass jar around for anonymous responses, questions, comments to share for further nonjudgmental discussion.
    • Purpose: To express observations that evoke
      • feelings of fear, aversion, confusion, disconnection, surprise, embarrassment, pain, anxiety, vulnerablity, and yearning; as well as
      • feelings of acceptance, community, love, nurturing, safety, support, inspriation, joy, challenge, celebration, growth, hope, discovery, purpose, clarity, and understanding.
    • Encourage statement of feelings in NVC-style format, even if simply a subset of these (can be first two as a start):
      1. Observation: "When I observe (see, hear, remember, imagine) _________________ ..."
      2. Feeling: "... I feel _________________ ..."
      3. Need: "... because I need/value _________________."
      4. Request: "Would you be willing to _________________?"
    • Maybe circulate the Feeling Jar through the first half of the meeting, then start the second half with items from the jar.
  • Encourage participants to take on leading discussion of future meetings by having them provide a list of talking points or questions to think about for a meeting.

[edit] Resources

[edit] Internet/podcast

  • Still need to organize this section

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html Polyamory? What, like, two girlfriends? Franklin Veaux is a prolific writer and blogger on Poly and relationships.

http://www.pepperminty.com/ http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/ Poly and kinky writing by pepomint

http://www.polyweekly.com/ Polyamory Weekly Podcast. (over 120 episodes and still going weekly) Responsible non-monogamy from a kink-friendly, pansexual point of view. Opening: "This is Polyamory Weekly, tales from the front of Responsible non-monogamy from a pansexual, kink-friendly point of view. A warning for our under-18 listeners: this is an adult-oriented podcast about really lascivious things, like communication and honesty in relationships. If you're under 18 and looking for up-front advice and answers to questions about sex please visit scarleteen.com" Cunning Minx Quotes page I started, eventually to move to [4].

WebMD The Truth About Open Marriage

Sex is Fun Radio Show podcast

Help Files

Sexual Interest Inventory
This form will allow you and your partner to discover all the kinds of sexual activities that you may both enjoy together.
Sexual Initiation Request Form
Use this form to help you and your lover initiate sexual intercourse with each other.
Sexual Fantasy Worksheet
This worksheet will help you and your parter share sexual fantasies with each other.

[edit] Albuquerque/New Mexico resources

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SantaFePoly Active poly group in Santa Fe, meeting once a month.

http://www.freewebs.com/nmtng/index.htm New Mexico: The Next Generation NM:TNG is an Albuquerque-based pansexual organization for people who are interested in, curious about or already involved in Leather, polyamorous or kinky relationships. We hold monthly educational and social discussion groups as well as participating in larger community events and throwing occasional private parties. NM:TNG is a group targeted for the 18-35 age range. NM:TNG is a safe place for education and community.

NMLL New Mexico Leather League provides a resource foundation for individuals and organizations within the leather community of New Mexico.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/albpoly/ A group for the Albuquerque and New Mexico general polyamorous community.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NM_poly/ This group is for local (Santa Fe) and regional (NM,AZ,CO,TX) poly community.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/polyquerque/ To meet other polyamorists in order to exchange information and provide community support; To provide a supportive place to talk about the philosophy and practice of polyamory; To provide information to people who are new to the concept of polyamory.

[edit] Poly Culture Links

  • Still need to organize this section

Kinsey Institute Dr. Kenneth Haslam Establishes Collection on Polyamory

http://faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/culture/ The Alt.polyamory FAQ, Culture Supplement 1.) Poly Non-fiction 2.) Poly Fiction 3.) Poly Movies 4.) Poly Songs 5.) Poly Comic Books/Graphic Novels

http://www.polyamory.org/~howard/Poly/movies.html about 100 movies dealing with non-monogamous relationships. Maybe a monthly or bimonthly showing at someone's house or other location?

http://www.aphroweb.net/resources/polyresources-books.htm

  1. The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (1998)
  2. Polyamory: the New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships by Deborah M. Anapol (1997)
  3. Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships by Wendy-O Matik (2002)
  4. Plural Loves: Designs for Bi and Poly Living Edited by Serena Anderlini-D'Onofrio (2004)
  5. Lesbian Polyfidelity by Celeste West (1996)
  6. The Lesbian Polyamory Reader: Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Casual Sex Edited by Marcia Munson and Judith P. Stelboum (1999)
  7. Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Heart by Raven Kaldera (2005)
  8. Sex, Love, and Marriage in the 21st Century: The Next Sexual Revolution Ed. By Robert T. Francoeur, Martha Cornog and Timothy Perper (1999)
  9. The New Intimacy: Open-Ended Marriage and Alternative Lifestyles by Ronald Mazur (1973 and 2000)
  10. Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful by Anthony Ravenscroft (2004)
  11. Loving More: The Polyfidelity Primer by Ryam Nearing (1992)
  12. Sex Without Guilt in the 21st Century by Dr. Albert Ellis (2003) (Not about polyamory per se, but definitely open to it)
  13. Marriage and Alternatives: Exploring Intimate Relationships by Roger W. Libby and Robert N. Whitehurst (1977)
  14. Hot & Cool Sex: Cultures in Conflict by Anna K. and Robert T. Francoeur (1974)
  15. The Extra-Marital Sex Contract by Jay Ziskin and Mae Ziskin (1973)

http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.org/articles/EthicalSlutsNewLanguage.html THE LEXICON OF (MULTIPLE) LOVE

Frubble
Describes the feeling of warmth and happiness when seeing one of your partners getting on well with one of your partners or one of their lovers
Wibble
The temporary feeling of insecurity when seeing a partner being loving or close with another of their partners
Metamour
Used to describe your relationship with one of your partner's partners
NRE
Short for "new relationship energy" - a phrase describing how one partner behaves when starting a new relationship with a new lover
Polyamory
Loving more than one person

Polyamory quotes

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom

Poly in the Media Blog

PolyFamilies

Spice Comic Polyamory for the Practical

[edit] Interesting Information

How sex and love are different in the brain.

[edit] Miscellaneous

Simple strategies for communicating (from Dusty)
  • Sometimes it's hard to tell someone something about yourself or your desires face to face. Here are a couple of ways you can get around it
  1. Have a journal, in which you write everything down and keep it in a known place for your partner to read when you're not around,
  2. Leave notes where your partner will find them,
  3. Send each other email... even if you live together, Try IM too!
  4. If there are certain activities which you feel embarrassed requesting? Then agree on a set of signals beforehand so you don't actually have to say the words,
  5. If you want to express a desire but also don't want to feel you're pushing or trying to tell your partner what to do, try agreeing whatever you say is just information for your partner and it's up to them whether they act on it or not.

[edit] Planning Steps

[edit] To Do

Next meetings

  1. Advertise next two meetings
  2. Advertise my party
  3. Call for suggestions for open meeting end of December
  4. Advert Aaron's Poly in Art meeting
  5. Contact P&J center for CT Butler dates
  6. Contact NVC trainer sympathetic to poly for third book (Jake?)

[edit] Budget

Date Location Amount Balance
09/23/07 gift (Erik) +19.00 +19.00
09/23/07 meetup.com -19.00 0.00
10/01/07 gift (Erik) +100.00 +100.00
10/23/07 meetup.com -72.00 +28.00
10/24/07 Daily Lobo -14.40 +13.60
11/12/07 Daily Lobo -12.00 +1.60
11/15/07 gift (Rob) +5.00 +6.60
12/06/07 gift (Kendra) +10.00 +16.60
12/??/07 .00 .00

[edit] Outreach/Advertising

Jan 31, 2008 - Ethi-Q Slutdom - workshop in Nonviolent Communication part 1/2 by NVC trainer Jacob Gotwals, 7-9pm Luminaria Room, Upper Floor UNM/SUB, $15 gift, http://tinyurl.com/3x2o6r or Erik 480-4462.

Feb 7, 2008 - Ethi-Q Slutdom - workshop in Nonviolent Communication part 2/2 by NVC trainer Jacob Gotwals, 7-9pm Acoma Room B, Upper Floor UNM/SUB, $15 gift, http://tinyurl.com/3x2o6r or Erik 480-4462.


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